By this point in the presidential campaign we’re already supposed to have our candidates. There will be a Republican and a Democrat, they will both be decided by Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina combined – the three wisest states in the Union – and they will have collectively made up their minds by the end of the pre-primary campaign, which has been going on since 1986.

I’m feeling a little bit cheated right now. Our wise men have failed us and after hours of coverage on television I’m still fairly certain that Mitt Romney’s going to win in Iowa. Since it appears that there are really two campaigns going on – one in the media and one amongst voters, with almost no connection or communication between the two – I’ve decided to vent my frustration by making my own predictions. By the time you read this, South Carolina will finally have finished and so may have Florida; Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Tuesday will be fast upon us. Therefore I will already have been proven wrong, a refreshing change of pace from the usual system whereby bad political advice is posted before an event and forgotten before it has the chance to be ridiculous. Alternatively I will have predicted the unpredictable and people from the wankosphere will flock to me for my sage advice. Either way I will have spelt supercalifragilisticexpialidocious correctly, twice, without the aid of a dictionary or spellchecker and on the first try both times. After the Bush years, that’s an accomplishment America can be proud of.

South Carolina (D): John Edwards will win. I say this, I assure you, out of sheer spite for Barack Obama, this season’s political Tickle-Me Elmo. Many of my readers like him, I know (as many as four out of six of you, according to a recent poll I made up); you do so out of the same desperation that makes me watch Bridget Jones’s Diary and then lie and say it was for a class when I get caught. I understand your pain.

So Edwards will win. The margin? It really doesn’t matter, but I’ll keep it modest and say he pips Obama by only a couple of points, 34 to 32, with Hillary behind at 28 or something. That doesn’t add up to a hundred, I know. The rest will go to Mike Gravel.

Florida: Ah, my home state. You never cease to betray and enrage me with your inability to correctly fathom the workings of democracy. It is funny that it is the oldest of our citizens, with the most experience and passion for democracy, who seem to be least able to realize it. Come to think of it – it’s not funny.

Rudy Giuliani will win Florida because that will make the Republican race more exciting and I’m getting tired of John McCain. He will come in second, barely ahead of Mike Huckabee, who is entertaining enough to make me tolerate the fact that he is conservative by the standards of 17th century France. Mitt Romney will finish a disappointing fourth due to the fact that he will have a smaller picture than all other candidates on campaign material owing to the need to encompass his gargantuan quaff within the dimensions of a yard sign or mailer. Let’s say Giuliani pulls 24, with 22 for McCain, 21 for Huckabee and whatever’s left for Mitt Romney. Come to think of it that would give Mitt Romney a majority. Fine; 18 for Romney and the rest to the King over the Water, Fred Thompson, and some for Ron Paul because Florida is filled with an unusual number of crazies.

Now, tonight in the debate (this should be a clue how long ago I wrote this) Chuck Norris’s comments about John McCain’s age came up, and Huckabee spoke of a fear of disavowing them lest he be dropkicked in the face. McCain retaliated by threatening to send Sylvester Stallone and General H. Norman Schwartzkopf after Norris. I don’t think he was kidding, and after the turmoil Florida will cause I think John McCain will gain the endorsement of the 1st Armored Division and decide that an election is no longer necessary. If that and the resulting civil war don’t happen, however, here’s how That Tuesday Thing (TTT) will go:

Alabama: Romney and Obama. Reason: purty mouth.
Alaska: McCain and Edwards. Reason: crazy old coot; crazy young coot; socialism.
Arizona: McCain and Clinton. Reason: Lou Dobbs; heat = close to Satan.
Arkansas: Huckabee and Edwards. Reason: mad banjo-playing skillz; twang.
California: Huckabee and Obama. Reason: mad Guitar Hero-playing skillz; fads.
Colorado: Romney and Clinton. Reason: next to Wyoming; used to iciness.
Connecticut: Giuliani and Clinton. Reason: mid-nineteenth century overpopulation in Italy; late-twentieth century overpopulation in New York.
Delaware: Giuliani and Obama. Reason: corporations summer there (winter in Aruba).
Georgia: Huckabee and Edwards. Reason: Bitterness over war (civil).
Idaho (D): Edwards. Reason: Brokeback Mountain.
Illinois: McCain and Obama. Reason: Ferris Bueller independents.
Kansas (D): Clinton. Reason: Scopes Monkey Democrats.
Massachusetts: Romney and Obama. Reason: declining public school system; convinced it was the first state to do anything, ever; treason.
Minnesota: McCain and Clinton. Reason: Swedish chef’s endorsement; see Colorado.
Missouri: Romney and Edwards. Reason: bitter rural voters, tired of crappy monument.
Montana (R): Romney. Reason: See Idaho.
New Jersey: Giuliani and Clinton. Reason: destination of choice for New York trash.
New Mexico (D): Clinton. Reason: the borders break both ways.
New York: Giuliani and Clinton. Reason: Jersey not big enough.
North Dakota: McCain and Clinton. Reason: only candidates who are themselves radioactive.
Oklahoma: Huckabee and Obama. Reason: wind sweeping down the plain that of change and hot air.
Tennessee: McCain and Clinton. Reason: state’s insufficient folksiness; transitive property (Gore hates Clinton, Tennessee hates Gore...).
Utah: Romney and Obama. Reason: comedy.
West Virginia (R): Romney. Reason: personally going to go to China and wrestle the premier for low-wage blue-collar jobs.

Now wasn’t that grueling. By the estimates above McCain and Clinton will still be the nominees with at least 184,000 delegates each, and this entire process will have served its purpose: the victories of the two people who were supposed to win in the first place.